Sophie Pollitt-Cohen writes:
Today there was a total eclipse of the sun. This should never be confused with a total eclipse of the heart. The latter is categorized by getting a little bit lonely, a little bit tired, a little bit nervous, a little bit terrified, followed by falling apart. In total eclipses of the heart, forever starts. In total eclipses of the sun, the moon passes between the sun and the earth, thus covering the sun. This can only happen during a New Moon, which explains why the entire cast is so pale. It could also be because they blanche at the thought of being in a non-sucky movie.
Today’s eclipse was only visible in Asia. In some places it lasted over six minutes. One of the fastest Eclipses was born in 1764, and he ran undefeated his entire career of eighteen races. He was the maternal grandson of the stallion Regulus, who every nerd knows is the brother of Sirius Black (Harry Potter’s godfather), who was killed by Bellatrix Lestrange (Tim Burton’s girlfriend).
You can’t watch an eclipse, because you will go blind. You also shouldn’t watch Everybody Loves Raymond, which will make you go bland. Bleaching your hair, which I know nothing about, will make you go blond.
Eclipses are useful if you need to subdue a rowdy bunch of natives. In 1504, Christopher Columbus was having problems with the Jamaicans (possibly because he was a fan of cutting people’s hands off, but it could have also been because he accidentally insulted someone on purpose). He found out that a lunar eclipse was due, and he told the chiefs that God would smite them royally by darkening the moon if they didn’t help him out. The eclipse came, scaring the bejesus out of everyone (actually, considering Columbus’s conversion tactics, we should say scared the bejesus into them). Hank Morgan, everyone’s favorite Connecticut Yankee, used a similar technique to avoid being killed in King Arthur’s Court. This is another way you know that book is about more than time travel. You’re welcome.
Eclipses are also very useful if you ever have to date a historical event. So is a charming smile. For instance, Herodotus wrote that there was an eclipse during a war between the Medians and the Lydians. The outbreak of war was unsurprising, because medians separate the higher half of a population from the lower, which is oppression. Historians know that there was an eclipse on May 28, 585 BC. However, I guess there were some other eclipses around then, and people aren’t entirely sure which one was the war one. What am I, a time traveler? Screw you guys.