Sophie Pollitt-Cohen writes:
Today there was a total eclipse of the sun. This should never be confused with a total eclipse of the heart. The latter is categorized by getting a little bit lonely, a little bit tired, a little bit nervous, a little bit terrified, followed by falling apart. In total eclipses of the heart, forever starts. In total eclipses of the sun, the moon passes between the sun and the earth, thus covering the sun. This can only happen during a New Moon, which explains why the entire cast is so pale. It could also be because they blanche at the thought of being in a non-sucky movie.
Today’s eclipse was only visible in Asia. In some places it lasted over six minutes. One of the fastest Eclipses was born in 1764, and he ran undefeated his entire career of eighteen races. He was the maternal grandson of the stallion Regulus, who every nerd knows is the brother of Sirius Black (Harry Potter’s godfather), who was killed by Bellatrix Lestrange (Tim Burton’s girlfriend).